I Can See for Miles Read online

  “Then I got the first cataracts, and he was supportive. Of course he was, until the operation failed for the third time. He used to move the furniture around while I was asleep, so he could sit and watch me fall over when I bumped into it. Then he’d laugh at me and tell me how useless I was. He’d go on and on about how was he supposed to spend the rest of his life chained to someone who couldn’t even walk around the apartment without bumping into things. That’s when it got physical. He’d go out to clubs, refusing to take me with him, said I cramped his style and he wanted to have a good time, not be some glorified seeing-eye dog. He’d… he’d come home and wake me up—I could smell the alcohol on him, and the other men. Sometimes he’d… anyway.” Charlie looked down at their linked hands as Josh’s thumbs began to move softly across his knuckles.

  “I told him it was over, that I needed to go home to my folks and decide what to do with the rest of my life, and he lost it. He lashed out, and I ended up with stitches in my head. Of course, he ended up with a broken nose after Maggie finished with him.” He chuckled and looked up into Josh’s face, breathing a sigh of relief. Josh’s color was better, and his breathing had evened out. “I swore I would never let anyone get close enough to hurt me like that again and I haven’t… until now.” Reaching up, he brushed Josh’s bangs from his clammy forehead. “Feeling better?”

  Josh nodded, leaning in to Charlie’s fingers as they trailed down his cheek, and he said softly, “Alec was my boyfriend. We’d been dating for about seven months when we went white water rafting. I’d always been such an adrenaline junkie, you know. I was always the first to shout ‘Hell yeah!’ when anyone mentioned bungee jumping or parachuting, although skydiving was my mother’s personal favorite. She always said I was at my happiest when I was doing something that could possibly end my life.” He huffed out a joyless laugh. “Well, it kinda did end my life—certainly the life I knew.”

  “Alec was with you when you had the accident?” Charlie asked quietly.

  “Yeah. We’d been down the rapids already earlier that day. Oh, Charlie… you should have seen it, what a rush.” Josh’s smile was wistful. “The water just looked like foam on a beer. It was tumbling so fast it made you dizzy just to look at it for more than a few minutes at a time. Going down the rapids in that little kayak… I remember thinking to myself that this must be what it feels like to fly. Anyway”—he ran a hand through his hair—“later that night we’d had quite a few beers, and we’d slipped off into the woods to have some fun and… well, after… he talked me into going down the rapids again, just the two of us. To be honest, I didn’t take much persuading. I don’t blame him for the accident. I know Mario does, but how can I? I’m a big boy. I make my own choices. Not even Tavella can force me into doing something I don’t want to do, and believe me, over the last eight months he’s tried on more than one occasion.”

  “Josh….”

  “I know, I know. It was stupid. I knew it was stupid even as I climbed into the kayak. I knew it was stupid when I hit that rock and it threw me out into the water.” Josh closed his eyes against the memory. “They say I must have hit my head real hard. I was in a coma for two days. And then when I woke up, someone had turned off the lights. They thought at first it was just hysterical blindness, you know, or that once the swelling on the brain had gone down it would relieve pressure on the optic nerve and my sight would come back. But when it didn’t after three weeks, they did another scan, and the doctors said I had permanently damaged the sight center in my brain, and I would never see again.”

  “And Alec?”

  Josh shrugged. “He couldn’t handle it. Said he couldn’t handle the constant reminder of what he’d done. He said he blamed himself, that if he hadn’t talked me into it, I would still see. But I knew they were just platitudes to try and protect me from the real reason he didn’t want me anymore.”

  Frowning, Charlie shifted to sit beside Josh on the log. “What real reason?”

  “I was damaged goods.” Josh hung his head, and his voice was small, so small Charlie had to lean in to hear him. “He didn’t want to be saddled with a blind boyfriend. Didn’t want to bear that cross for the rest of his life.”

  Charlie could feel the pain in Josh’s voice as it washed over him, and he felt a surge of anger in his gut at this Alec, this idiot who had been lucky enough to call this beautiful man his and then just walked away. Pretty much like you’re going to? Charlie ignored the ramblings of his inner voice, lifted his hand to grip Josh’s chin, and turned Josh to face him. “Now you listen to me. I don’t ever want to hear you say that again, do you understand me? You’re not damaged goods. Have you looked in the mirror lately? Okay”—he flushed at Josh’s raised eyebrows—“bad analogy. But you know what I mean. Even half-blind I can see how beautiful you are Josh—inside and out. Anyone who knows you wouldn’t see you as a cross to bear, but would be proud to walk through life beside you.”

  “Then answer me this,” Josh said, grasping Charlie’s hand where it lay against his skin. “What do you see?”

  Swallowing against the lump of emotion in his throat and trying desperately not to stare at Josh’s full lips, Charlie took a deep breath. “I see someone who doesn’t give up without a fight, who’s strong, kind, and charming. Someone who already has my mother picking out her hat for the wedding,” he said, smiling when Josh’s lips twitched. “Someone who I may have misjudged because of my own lame issues. Someone who I could—”

  “Could what?” Josh asked softly, leaning toward Charlie until he could feel the puff of Josh’s exhalations on his cheek.

  “Someone I could—”

  “Charlie!”

  “Josh!” The shouts echoed around them, cutting Charlie off before he could finish his sentence and causing Josh to jump to his feet. Charlie stood up, his fingers still entwined with Josh’s when Maggie and Mike rounded the bend in the trail.

  “We’re over here, guys,” Charlie yelled, lifting a hand in hello. “Josh had a bit of an anxiety attack, that’s all.” He gripped the fingers holding his, hoping Josh didn’t mind him divulging this bit of information to the others. He suddenly realized Josh might see it as a weakness, but the answering squeeze from Josh had him letting go of the breath he hadn’t realized he was holding.

  “Are you okay, Josh?” Maggie asked. Charlie didn’t miss the pointed look she gave their linked hands before indicating with a series of gestures that she would be talking to him later. “Do you want to go back to the main house and have something hot and sweet to drink?”

  “No,” Josh said firmly. “If Charlie doesn’t mind, I’d like to give the lake another try.”

  “Are you sure?” Charlie asked, concern creasing his brow.

  “If you’ll stay with me,” Josh murmured, his voice hesitant.

  Charlie felt something warm but scary at the same time unfurl in his belly, and it was as though he was suddenly standing at a forked road. In one direction everything was safe… absolutely no chance of a broken heart. In the other was Josh and a whole host of “what ifs,” but also the excitement of the unknown and the possibility of more. Taking a deep breath, Charlie lifted Josh’s hand and kept his voice as steady as he could.

  “I’m right here, man.”

  Chapter Eight

  CHARLIE smiled at the sight of Josh playing with Rosie on the little sandy inlet they had created at the edge of the lake. Rosie was grinning like a Cheshire cat while Josh lifted handfuls of sand and let it flow through his fingers onto hers. Charlie watched her trying to catch the grains of sand and then tell her mother quite firmly she didn’t need her help, because Josh was going to help her build a sandcastle. His heart felt as though it flipped in his chest when he heard the soft timbre of Josh’s voice as he bent his head and chided her gently.

  “Rosie, I think we’re both going to need Momma’s help, don’t you?” Josh’s hair fell across his forehead as he tilted his head, causing Charlie’s fingers to itch to brush it out of his eyes. “I think
our sandcastles aren’t going to stay up long if we don’t have a site manager. So maybe you better give Momma a big kiss and thank her for her help before she deserts us and our sandcastle-making days are over.” He nudged her with the side of his head. “We’ve gotta beat Mario and Greg. I’ve heard him gloating behind us ’cause he thinks his sandcastles are the best. We’re not gonna let him get away with that, are we?”

  “No.” Rosie said, shaking her head vehemently, then reaching out her hand for her mother. “I’m sorry, Momma. Would you help us build the best sandcastle? I know ours can be better than Mario’s.”

  Charlie couldn’t stop himself from bending and stroking a hand through Josh’s hair on his way to the end of the dock with Davey. “Nicely done, Donald,” he murmured, pressing his mouth close to Josh’s ear.

  “I already told you,” Josh said as he smiled up at him. “Not just a pretty face. Is that the eagle king with you?”

  “How did you know it was me?” Davey asked, awe in his voice, his hand gripping a little tighter to Charlie’s.

  Josh tapped the side of his nose conspiratorially. “The nose knows, Davey, my boy. You smell like the three cinnamon donuts you had at breakfast.”

  “You are so cool, Josh,” Davey chuckled. “We’re going out on the lake in the boat. Do you want to come?”

  Charlie saw Josh’s shoulders tense, not that any of that tension was revealed in his voice when he made his excuses to Davey. “Besides,” Charlie added, “Josh and Rosie are going to build a sandcastle so big, Mario will be eating humble pie for the rest of the week. You, me, Adam, Sophia, and Mike are going to have a row around the lake to see if we can hear the eagles again. If we’re lucky, Thor might be on a hunting trip. He likes the fish in the lake for dinner.” He caught Josh’s grateful look and tugged on Davey’s hand. “Come on, dude. We’ll make some sandcastles of our own when we get back.”

  “YOU seriously think you can build a better sandcastle than mine?” Mario said, sidling up behind Josh and resting his chin on his friend’s shoulder.

  “Damn straight,” Josh replied, catching Rosie’s giggle and then chuckling sheepishly. “Sorry, my little flower. I guess I owe a nickel to the swear jar, huh?”

  “You and Charlie looked pretty cozy when you came down,” Mario said conversationally.

  “That’s what I love about you, Tavella. Your subtlety is breathtaking.” Josh smiled, not fooled for a minute as he shook his head derisively and felt beside him for the spade.

  “Shut your jibber-jabber and answer the question, Donald,” was the eloquent response. “I saw how flushed you were. What happened?”

  Sighing, Josh hooked his fingers over the top of the plastic bucket Rosie had furnished him with and began to shovel sand into it. “I had a panic attack, and he talked to me, calmed me down.”

  “You had a panic attack?” Mario’s voice was strained. “You haven’t had one of those for a few months, Josh. What brought it on?”

  “The water.” Josh could hear the concern heavy in Mario’s tone, and he shrugged, not wanting to make too big a deal out of it. “I thought I’d be okay, you know. It’s not like I was going out on the lake. But the closer we got, I could hear the kids splashing about, and I just, you know, panicked.”

  “And he calmed you down?” Mario said, his tone filled with surprise. “How?”

  “He must have realized what was going on, and he just started talking.” Josh hung his head, his cheeks flushed with warmth. He knew Mario was probably already mentally doing the dance of joy with Greg. “I told him some things about myself. He told me some things about himself. You know, we just talked.”

  “What things?”

  “None of your business, Tavella,” Josh said dismissively, nudging him with his shoulder, then emptying another shovel full of damp sand into his bucket and smiling when he felt the grains against his fingertips. “Are you trying to distract me so me and Rosie don’t whip your behind in the sandcastle competition? Rosie, I think this bad boy’s ready to go. Give me a countdown.”

  HALF an hour later, Josh and Rosie were burying Mario in the sand under Greg’s supervision when he heard Charlie and Davey’s voices drift toward him on the wind. “Okay, Wavey Davey, we’re on dry land again. I think your sea legs are a little wobbly, don’t you?” Charlie’s voice was heavy on the sympathy. “I think the moral of this story is not to eat three cinnamon donuts for breakfast, don’t you, dude?”

  “Maybe I’ll just have pancakes tomorrow,” Davey replied gravely.

  “Don’t worry about it, dude.” Charlie grinned, then leaned down and said to Davey in a loud stage whisper, “You should have seen Mike the first time I took him out on the lake. He spent most of the time with his head over the side and whined like a girl for the rest of the week!”

  “I hope I’m okay for the barbecue,” Davey said wistfully, “I don’t want to miss Sharon’s peach cobbler.” Josh couldn’t help the smile that spread across his face at the despair in Davey’s voice. But then, he had to admit Sharon’s peach cobbler was something else.

  “I think you’ll be fine,” Charlie replied reassuringly as their footsteps stopped beside Josh. “I can’t be sure, but I think Josh and Rosie won the sandcastle competition, because they’re burying Mario in the sand.”

  Josh had no idea why he had told Charlie about Alec. When he’d been unable to catch his breath, Alec had been the farthest thing from his mind. Then Charlie had begun to speak, trusting him with personal details, and it felt natural to tell him about Alec. Josh let out an oomph when Rosie, and he assumed Davey, jumped on his back and wrestled him onto the sand. Whatever the reason, he felt lighter, freer than he had in a long time, and he knew he had Charlie to thank for that. As if sharing with Charlie had lifted some of the weight that had been pressing down on him for so long. The sound of Charlie’s deep, rich laughter had the grin widening on his face as he wrapped his arms around the two children. Unable to resist, Josh shouted out to Rosie’s mom. “Kristal? Is Charlie checking me out?”

  “Oh yeah,” Kristal giggled.

  “Thought so,” Josh said smugly and growled at the kids, making them squeal hysterically as they landed in a heap on top of the Mario-shaped lump in the sand.

  “Okay, everyone,” Charlie said loudly, ignoring Josh completely, much to his amusement. “We’ve got an hour before the barbecue is fired up and we try and talk Jason into getting his guitar out, so that gives you all time to go and get dried off and changed. So let’s get packed up.”

  “JOSH?” Mario lounged on the sofa in their cabin, having changed into his comfortable jeans and a plaid shirt, under Josh’s instruction. Greg was in the shower, and Josh was sitting on the chair, pulling on his boots.

  “Yeah?”

  “Me and Greg were talking, and we were thinking that tomorrow night we might go into town and catch a movie, maybe have some dinner. Would that be okay with you? If you don’t want to be here alone, we’ll stay, it’s not a problem,” Mario hurried to assure him.

  “Don’t be stupid,” Josh drawled, pulling up the zipper and then rolling the leg of his jeans down over the top of his boot. “I’m more than capable of spending a few hours in my own company. You’re the only one who seems to think I need a nursemaid.”

  “So…,” Mario began, “what were these things you and Charlie talked about?”

  “Jeez, leave it alone, Tavella. I don’t ask you what you and Greg discuss in the wee small hours, do I? Even though these walls aren’t exactly soundproof.” Josh said with a smirk, giving an exaggerated shudder. “Kinda makes a guy wish he were blind and deaf.”

  “Uh-uh,” Mario countered, shaking his head. “Don’t change the subject. I’ve let you get away with that once today, but not again.”

  “Mario,” Greg said in a warning tone. “If Josh—”

  Josh cut off Greg’s words with an exasperated sigh. “All right, all right, I’m wise to your whole good cop, bad cop routine. Look”—his gaze softened as he remembered what C
harlie had told him in the woods—“let’s just say I’m not the only one who has experience with shitty boyfriends. He told me about his ex, and I told him about mine.”

  “You told him about Alec?” Greg’s tone was incredulous.

  “It just came out.” Josh shrugged. “He told me all about Brian, and I guess I just wanted to let him know that he’s not the only one who’s been hurt. That I’m not like Brian, and he’s not like Alec.”

  “And?” Greg prompted.

  Josh stood up, smoothed down his shirt, and then ran the habitual hand through his shaggy hair. “I don’t have any answers, except I think we’ve cleared the air and we’re both willing to just see where this goes. If it goes anywhere at all, that is. So we don’t need any outside help.” He raised an eyebrow in Mario’s direction. “Do I make myself clear?”

  “Okay, Josh,” Greg said softly. “We won’t interfere.”

  “But that don’t mean I’m not watching,” Mario said gruffly.

  Chuckling as they walked out of the cabin and closed the door behind them, Josh grasped Greg’s elbow. “I wouldn’t expect anything less, Tavella. I wouldn’t expect anything less.”

  CHARLIE cursed loudly as his cell rang, startling him with his head halfway through the neck of his T-shirt. Quickly pulling the shirt so it hung around his shoulders, Charlie jogged across the bedroom to grab the cell off the bed and pressed the accept button. “Hello?”

  “Hey there, Charlie, it’s Frank Morgan.”

  “Dr. Morgan. What can I do for you?” Charlie asked, a small frown creasing his brow. He wasn’t expecting to speak to his doctor until Wednesday at his appointment.

  “I’ve got a cancellation tomorrow, and I was hoping you could come in.” Morgan’s voice was firm and brisk, giving Charlie the impression the man was not going to take no for an answer.